My top 4 parenting epiphanies, or My Child is Not My Property but My Guest

Kendra Jenee, 2014

After being a parent for 23 years I can quantifiably narrow down the top three disquieting revelations:

1.  The moment it dawns on you that no one else is going to show up to parent the newborn you just brought home.  

2.  The moment you realize you're actually going to trust a complete stranger to take care of the kid you just dropped off in his classroom for the first time.

3.  The moment your child walks out of your house and everyone knows that any time she walks back in it will be as an adult.

Kendra's Graduation Day, June 5th

Have you heard the adage "having a child is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body”?  I remember it two weeks ago, watching my girl walk away from us into the crowd of college peers. Her back toward us, her face toward the unknown, me with hot tears on my face and my heart walking away from my body.  The shock of it is not softer even though it's the third time I've said this sort of good-bye.  

The first time felt clearer, a bit more violent, maybe. As in other sorts of grief, I've learned that those who enter fully discover a gift of clarity. No book, speaker or blog post has given me more insight into what it means to love and be loved, to engage in the work of peopling the planet than the deep sadness of saying good-bye to my own children.

Sisterly good-byes on UNT campus, August 17th

Entering this sort of grief is no work for the confused or isolated to try to manage. We parents need friends and family, and, occasionally, enemies to speak truth into our grieving hearts.  When Andrew moved out two years ago I spent an entire night sobbing because all of a sudden I couldn't think of a single good thing I'd ever done for him.  This is not insight, this is exhaustion.  And fear.  And general wickedness from a lying voice.

After the dust of that lie settled, my husband and friends helped me recognize a truer truth after Andrew walked out our door:  "Oh!  This is not about measuring up as a good parent, this was about hospitality."  Being a parent is about providing a space -- first within an actual physical womb and then in the shelter of home and family -- for a child to know and be known."  

The comfort in that epiphany is that I get to keep giving the gifts of hospitality to my children.  Now that they don't live in my house every day, the gift actually increases in value.  I've learned this first hand from my own parents and grandparents -- the deep sense of being just sitting in the comfort of their homes, at their tables.  

I get to do that now for my kids.  And joy comes in the morning.

Amber and Andrew celebrate their August birthdays, August 23rd

This summer -- two years after the perspective-altering insight into parenting as hospitality -- imagine my pleasure reading a passage from Henri Nouwen:

"It may sound strange to speak of the relationship between parents and children in terms of hospitality. But it belongs to the center of the Christian message that children are not properties to own and rule over, but gifts to cherish and care for. Our children are our most important guests, who enter into our home, ask for careful attention, stay for a while and then leave to follow their own way."  

..... 

"The difficult task of parenthood is to help children grow to the freedom that permits them to stand on their own feet, physically, mentally and spiritually and to allow them to move away in their own direction. The temptation is, and always remains, to cling to our children, to use them for our own unfulfilled needs and to hold on to them, suggesting in many direct and indirect ways that they owe us so much. It indeed is hard to see our children leave after many years of much love and much work to bring them to maturity, but when we keep reminding ourselves that they are just guests who have their own destination, which we do not know or dictate, we might be more able to let them go in peace and with our blessing."

-- from Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life by Henri Nouwen

And here's one more revelation: 

4.  The moment when that child leaves our home as an adult and I lay to rest my ability to make requirements of him.  The great, thriving hope is that the 18 or so years we've invested in (imperfect but consistent) hospitality will mean my adult child will return often to the comfort and counsel we still offer. 

Alex visits Bekah and her roomies in Denton, August 17th

A few weeks ago -- somewhat predictably -- I muddle around again in the battle for truth about what it means that I've been a mom to Andrew, Alex, Kendra and Natalie. Too many things still confuse me.  Too many times I still revert to graceless fear. On a Friday morning, in the shrinking shade of an Austin coffee porch, I confess the anxiety to a dear friend.   

I say, "I'm trying to get better at this (referring to the three-quarters of my children who've now left home)." 

My friend says, "Tamara, you did it.  It's done.  Well done. Well done."

I can't even write that memory without more hot tears.  Could there be a better blessing than this?  

Farewell patio poker party, August 14th

In the lavish grace of God, another affirmation is spoken over me the very same week.  On this particular morning I can't move from my bed, such is the weight of my feeling that I've failed to mother well.  I have no hope for even the Words of God to make a difference, but I turn to them anyway.  Randomly I download a daily audio Scripture reading, hold the speaker portion of my phone near my head on the pillow. I miss most of the preamble, but am all ears by the time these words are spoken:

Micah 6:6-8: "With what shall I enter Yahweh's presence and bow down before God All-high?[...] Shall I offer my eldest son for my wrong-doing, the child of my own body for my sin? What is good has been explained to you, man; this is what Yahweh asks of you: only this, to act justly, to love tenderly and to walk humbly with your God."

Oh, glad Truth!  You make me new.  You save my children in the gaps of what I've offered them and what they've needed.  You save us now, are saving us each day, will save us to continue a grace-full pursuit of justice, humility and tender love. 

The resurrected Christ makes a way for us to live and move and parent in this overwhelming mercy and grace. Amen and thanks be to God.  

Last photo before saying good-bye, August 17

You're not too late: five ways to celebrate Advent starting anytime

I love Advent.  I love it almost more than Christmas (not quite, but close!).  I love the anticipation, the candlelight, the hymns.  I love Advent calendars and Advent wreaths and Advent activities.  

May I encourage you, though, to not stress about this time?  That would be the very opposite response from what we're hoping to practice.  If you didn't figure out what you wanted to do for the 24 days of Advent, it's OK.  The point is to enter where you are with what you have. 

Today I'm posting an excerpt from my parenting blog series: Family liturgies for Advent and a confession from an exhausted Dad at Christmas.  It's a long post, so I'm sharing bits and pieces over the next couple of weeks.

Today, a few simple ways to enter the quiet waiting of Advent.

You are welcome to join me in my Advent daybook series.  

(Get This Sacramental Life delivered by email.) 

1.  We try to spend some time being quiet:

Uneasy Advent:  A somewhat cranky post from 2010 in which I share what I learned about practicing quiet my second year celebrating Advent

2.  We try to stay home more often:  

"The Christmas season is domestic; and for that reason most people now prepare for it by struggling in tramcars, standing in queues, rushing away in trains, crowding despairingly into teashops, and wondering when or whether they will ever get home. I do not know whether some of them disappear forever in the toy department or simply lie down and die in the tea-rooms; but by the look of them, it is quite likely. Just before the great festival of the home the whole population seems to have become homeless."-- G.K. Chesterton's excerpt for today in Advent And Christmas Wisdom

We try to listen to music, occasionally look at the stars together, dream about the feasting we'll enjoy at Christmas, anticipate the fun we'll have giving and receiving gifts.  

We also pray for and cheer each other on as each of us works to finish all the projects, deadlines and assignments that come with the end of the semester and calendar year.  This can be stressful so we encourage quiet naps, hot cocoa and old movies to enjoy together. 

Once in awhile, we even get crafty and make homemade gifts to give when Christmas comes.  Sometimes we just enjoy the ideas of making homemade gifts someday. 

The point is we try to avoid crazy traffic, crazy stores and crazy commercials during Advent (really all year, butespecially at Advent!).

3.  We look for ways to serve others -- locally and globally

There's no better practice to give to Jesus at Christmastime than to serve the hungry, lonely, poor and sick.  

This looks a little bit different every year but our hope is that during the four weeks of Advent we will have collectively served others with our time, energy and money.  Sometimes we do this in secret, other times we join with others in a larger serving event.  

You know better what types of local projects are needed in your area (I'd love to hear about them in the comments below!) May I encourage you to think creatively and give not just money but face-to-face presence as well?  My mother always invited neighbors she knew did not have family to visit them for a beautiful Christmas dinner during December. These are beautiful memories for me.

For global-focused projects, here are some of the organizations we've partnered with during Advent:

Samaritan's Purse Gift Catalog

Live: 58 (Compassion International)

Operation Christmas Child

4.  We light candles, look at art, sing hymns, pray and read Scripture together and we try to do that everyday (but we're more like 4 out of 7 days):  

As far as I can tell, the family practice of lighting candles and reading Scripture together is most often celebrated every Sunday in Advent.  We tend to go overboard a bit around here but it's working for us!

Best tip for you if your family feels awkward doing this: Turn the lights off!  Advent is about waiting for light anyway so it fits.  There's nothing like sitting in the dark looking a few flickering candles to break the ice of awkward family Bible time!

trying not to take ourselves too seriously with G.K. Chesterton

Before you read further, let me assure you if this sounds all holy and somber that is not exactly true to life.  If you know us in real life,  you've already figured that out.  Take for example, the plastic zebra and the 'I heart Bingo' sign that showed up on last year's wreath.  It's a long story, but I'm blaming Chesterton's influence for that one.

Advent devotional books:

• God With Us: Rediscovering the Meaning of Christmas:  This is my favorite, favorite, favorite advent devotional.  It covers the weeks leading up to Christmas, goes through the 12 days of Christmas and moves into Epiphany.  The full-color artwork is gorgeous and the writings include authors like Eugene Peterson, Scott Cairns, Luci Shaw, Emilie Griffin, Richard John Neuhaus and Kathleen Norris.  We put this book on an easel next to our nativity along with some Bibles for people to pick up and read when they have quiet moments. 

• Advent and Christmas Wisdom from G.K. Chesterton: This is the reader we used in 2011; it was an excellent choice for our kids' ages!  
• Advent Activities to coordinate with the Chesterton reader: The Advent activities I put together for Advent 2011 when our family used G.K. Chesterton's marvelous -- and witty -- wisdom.

• Advent readers/activities for little ones (some of my favorite little people in the world gave me a thumbs up on the following resources!):
•   Advent Readings for the very young at Part of the Main
• Jesse Tree Advent with the Jesus Storybook Bible via Kelleigh Ratzlaff Designs 
• Easy Advent idea with the Jesus Storybook Bible via All These Things

Advent wreaths:

• Really all you need are four candles and some greens.  When I was at Central Market on Sunday I realized they were piling up branches they'd cut off from their tree lot and just stacking them up in a cart.  I took a few home with me!  Like Mother, Like Daughter shares good ideas for busy people here.

• Advent Calendar from The Ambrosium:  I've raved about this new addition to our family Advent celebration here.  (*Note: The shop is only open until December 7.)

photo credit: The Ambrosium

• The Cradle to the Cross Wreath:  I've mentioned before how much we've enjoyed using this wreath for our Advent, Lent and Pentecost celebrations.  You can go to Ann Voskamp's site to see how her family uses the wreathe for Advent.  We have enjoyed it so much, but also do recommend using dripless candles!

Click here to visit a site with all sorts of Advent information and resources.

5.  We sing this song.  A lot.

Blessed Advent to you and yours!

Parenting Unrehearsed (8): Why we send our kids to a [broken] public school

un-re-hearsed

— adj

(of a play, speech, etc) not having been practiced in advance

I might also add off-the-cuff, in no particular order, results may vary. A series in which I share a few practices we may have learned in our twenty-two years of parenting four children.

Read here for the first seven chapters in this series.

Chapter 8:  Why we send our kids to a [broken] public school

I spoke at two different gatherings for mothers-of-little-ones in October. One group asked me to talk about how Brian and I have navigated bringing up kids as a part of culture, both engaging and discerning our culture.  I primarily spoke from chapter 5 in the Parenting Unrehearsed series:  How to keep your kids from spending too much time at church.

One part of that chapter they specifically asked me to share was our decision to send our kids to public school.  Let me tell you, I felt a bit nervous on the subject.  I remember plenty of vitriolic arguments about the best place to send kids to school from my days growing up as a preacher's kid. In my experience, people get pretty intense in this conversation.  Brian and I are firmly committed to this path, but that does not mean we believe it is the answer for everyone.  

I've been parenting long enough to determine that the best place to share tips and techniques is within community.  I'm a big fan of moms of little ones spending time together.  In an ideal scenario, parents would have this sort of community, in addition to their own families, to build a life-speaking tribe.  Anything that I could add -- as a speaker or writer -- should be only a layer of grace-filled encouragement to an already-vibrant community conversation.  

To prepare for the first moms' talk, I wanted to articulate some of the parenting values Brian and I have chosen.  In the middle of Monday night football I said: What are our parenting values? Five minutes. Go!

Here's what we came up with:

                            

1. We've refused to live for our children. Parenting is a lifetime act of hospitality; we invite our children into a family that already existed in the form of Brian and me. The reverse of this mindset is more common: husband and wife exist in supporting roles as Dad and Mom for the children.

When you think about it, it’s a reflection of the Trinity. God had complete and rich community within the Godhead, and created humans from an outpouring of His own abundance rather than as a filler of His own need.

2. We do not place our own emotional, physical, financial, relational, intellectual and spiritual well-being on hold in order to pour into our children. Instead we employ the "fix your own oxygen mask before assisting others" principle. As I submit to all sorts of disciplines to steward my true self, found in Jesus, I am better equipped to help my children.

With blessing from my own parents, I often share a bit of their journey and mine in raising children. While there was an abundance of good in my growing up years, there were also extremely painful parts of the story. My mother struggled with an often debilitating depression. My father struggled keeping a healthy and protective balance for himself and our family while he pastored a growing church. I carried into my own parenting both struggles: bouts of severe depression and difficulty in setting healthy boundaries.

Of all the things my parents did well and all the things that did not go well, their most excellent gift to us was they never stopped pursuing Christ and they never stopped pursuing relationship with each other. This is a powerful and contagious habit to pass along to your children.  This is the hope I carry for my own children.  My frailty as a mom is saved -- redeemed to strength, even -- by the crucified, buried, risen and ascended Christ.  That is the true hope for our family.

On the specific decision to send our kids to a public school, let me start with two potential motivations that are NOT the reason we send our kids to public school.

These are NOT the reasons we send our kids to public school:  

• To be missionaries.  In the sense, that we're always called to share Gospel-hope, yes.  In the sense, that our kids wear some sort of special badge of mission, no.

• To fix the broken public school system (as in, Allison Benedikt's argument in her Slate article "If You Send Your Kid to a Private School You Are a Bad Person".)

So why did we choose public school for our kids?

• We believe in living planted in neighborhood and community. Public school is a central connecting point for neighborhood and community. Going to a private school (usually) means living a major segment of life outside neighborhood.

• Along those same lines, sending our kids to private school means introducing an entire new subculture into our family life.  We have found that we have a low limit of subcultures we are able to effectively engage: neighborhood, church and family with intermittent additions of extra-curricular subcultures.  For example, when my daughter participates in musical theater there is a whole new world of financial, communication, scheduling and relational obligations.  This is why we limited our kids to one extracurricular activity, but, that's another subject. 

• We believe in blessing people around us with Gospel words and actions, and that the best way to do that is to live together with them.
  

  
  
• Private school is -- in almost all cases -- expensive. In full disclosure, some of the decision of where to send our kids to school was simplified by our own financial limitations. We know many parents (including Brian's family and my own parents) made gigantic sacrifices to afford Christian schools for their children. We've made a decision that we'd prefer our financial sacrifices for other needs in our family, city and world.
  

  
  
• The public school shows a truer picture of our culture, the same culture our kids will have to navigate when they graduate high school. We'd prefer to allow our children to experience both the good and the hard parts while they live under our roof so we can walk with them, help them navigate these realities together.

• Although every possible temptation is alive and well no matter where you send your kids to school, we felt that each education option for our children came with its own potential temptations/pitfalls.  We made a conscious decision to expose our children to the more obvious temptations (sins of commission, if you will) rather than the more hidden types of temptation (sins of omission). Put plainly, we'd rather our kids struggle with temptation toward the infamous "sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll" culture in a public school than the more hidden temptations sometimes inherent to a Christian school or homeschooling subculture. Sin is sin, no one worse than the other, just some more obvious to fight against.

• A few years ago Brian and I heard Eugene Peterson speak at a conference. In the midst of Q&A he made a statement that (first) made us laugh and (second) became part of our list of family values: "Most of us are pretty damn ordinary." I guess another way you could say this is that we do not want to take ourselves too seriously. One result of this value, for us, is allowing our kids to spend a good deal of their growing up years as an unrecognized figure among a mostly unrecognized crowd. We do our best to surround our kids with a tribe of thoughtful, affirming friends outside of the more generic education. This is not to say they've never had the opportunity to shine in their classroom but that is more the exception than the rule.

Alex's graduation at the University of Texas Frank Irwin Center.
I wrote about the 15 seconds of fame he enjoyed here.

We know, personally, scores of families who have made thoughtful decisions for their own children that differ from ours. I suspect some of our children will make different choices for their children's education, since it's normal -- and often, healthy -- for convictions to shift and expand from one generation to the next. I'm grateful for the option to homeschool at different times as needed over the course of our family life. We are one family with one set of convictions. Hopefully you'll be encouraged as you make your own thoughtful decisions for your family.

How do we as parents make thoughtful decisions for our kids?  

For starters...

Practice Healthy Self-Assessment

Gospel humility is a covenant value at our former church in New York, and defined this way: 

Gospel humility is an attitude that causes us to submit to one another and to listen intently to godly counsel. On the one hand, it prompts us to be gentle and forgiving, and to admit when we’re wrong. On the other, it prompts us to walk in spirit-led boldness. Gospel humility requires a healthy self-assessment. It liberates a person to pursue God’s way of living—regardless of the interpretation of others.

The primary determiner of a healthy self-assessment is that we do not "discover ourselves" by ourselves.  We must practice -- among other disciplines -- confession, forgiveness, tribe-building, discernment, sacramental living in the rhythms of work and rest, fasting and feasting as one part of a whole community of Christ-followers in order to know our truest selves.  

Our Heavenly Father gives us a wide array of options to live our everyday, ordinary life—our sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life. The same God we often criticize for being a rule-maker, in truth, gives us more freedom than we know what to do with sometimes. Freedom to make choices in where we live, what we eat, where we work, what we do for fun, how we parent and where we send our kids to school.  

Making thoughtful and wise decisions in the midst of all this freedom is what it means to be a disciple. We resist the temptation to make up our own set of laws to make us feel better in our uncertainty. We rest on the firm foundation of Christ and trust His Spirit to give us insight about Himself and ourselves so that we might live kingdom-building lives. We need our tribe to help us know ourselves -- our gifts as well as our weakness, our passion and our wounds -- in order to live thoughtfully in this world.

By God's grace and the help of his people, we do this without paralyzing introspection.  Self-assessment is not the same thing as self-obsession.  We do our best, knowing that without the crucified, buried, risen and ascended Christ our best does not get us far enough.  We live as ones who have been saved, who are being saved and who will be saved.  

Praying blessings over our kids as they head out to school.

In order to make thoughtful choices, then, about any of the many areas we're offered freedom, ask yourself (and your community) a few questions:

• What am I most afraid of?  How does this fear relate to the decision I'm making?

• What does this decision free me to do?  How does it limit me?

• What sort of need-gaps does this decision create and how will I seek to fill them?

• Does this decision make it easier or harder to follow other convictions we've already decided?

• Where will we need Christ to save us most if we follow this decision through?

Our decision to be part of the public school system both fills needs and creates needs.  Healthy self-assessment requires we understand and seek creative solutions to meet those needs for our family.

Let me repeat an important disclaimer:

Relax. You've got time, it's going to take time. 

I know, I know - old ladies have stopped you in the store five trillion times to warn you that the time flies by faster than you can imagine and that you need to make the most of every single moment with your cherubs.  And that's sort of true.  

Most true, though, is that Jesus is a redeemer of time. He moves outside of time and space, He returns time and stretches it out in just the right ways so He can save you and your kids.  When you read any practical suggestions I have to offer please take your time, consider, pray, laugh, relax.

Put another way, maybe the very, very best advice I have to offer parents is this:

Reject hyper-vigilance, embrace spacious grace.

And on your very worst days, there's always this sort of alternative form of self-assessment:

__________________________________________________________________

Next time on Parenting Unrehearsed: 

• Family liturgies: Birthday celebrations
• Why we gave our son a new name for his 21st birthday
• Practice Storytelling

I love to hear from you!  For example, what are some thoughtful decisions you've made for your family?  Also, please feel free to share the sorts of questions you've been asking about parenting.

Tamara 

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*Thank you to the lovely Lindsey from Lindsey Davern Photography for capturing the hilarious -- and unrehearsed -- family photo I'm using for this series.*