Retrieve Lament: a mourning story from Brian Murphy

Each year during Holy Week, I ask friends to share a mourning story from their own life as a way to help us see Christ in the midst of suffering. My husband Brian tells today's story. For twenty-five years I've been lucky enough to walk with him in his journey to become more like Christ and more like his true self. One of the things I love most about him is the way he pursues and savors friendship.  I've learned so much from him about the vulnerability it takes to keep loving people - even after loss.  I hope you will be encouraged, too.

Kansas City, October 2011

I have said too many goodbyes for my liking. Too many people who were important to me have died. Too many friend and family relationships are carried along over too far a distance. Goodbyes feel like lament to me. Lament over something that I have never really experienced in full, but long to know deeply, richly.

We moved to Austin almost five years ago. We left the hometown where we were born, met, married, made friends, and lived in beautiful closeness to almost all of our family, grandparents, parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles. Most of our drives for Thanksgiving dinner, family celebrations, and ad hoc backyard bonfires were less than 28 minutes. Now most are over 28 hours.

When I think about friendships in Austin, I always think of two of my first Texas friends: Trey Sellstrom and Dick Chote. Before we barely knew each other, these men joined me in serving other men who were walking through emotional, sexual, or relational wounds and brokenness. Together we prayed regularly for men to be healed and made whole.

You need good friends when you walk with people through their most tender and hard places. Trey, Dick, and I became good friends, brothers really.

Then they died.

“Passed away”, “entered into their rest” we pastors say, but death doesn’t feel so kind. It felt to me like they were torn away, here one day and gone the next -- figuratively and literally.

Shortly after we arrived in Austin, Trey and Cheryl, Dick and Eleanor, and Tamara and I attended an eight-day training in Kansas City. The request went something like this, “Trey and Cheryl, I’d like you to travel to a place you’ve never been with a guy you’ve barely met to help start a ministry that you’ve never heard of. What do you think?”

The Sellstroms and the Chotes came with us to Kansas City.

One night at the training, I asked Trey if he’d like to take a ride with me to the local convenience store. He asked if he could get Cheryl. I got Tamara, and we all piled into a car like four freedom-drunk teenagers sneaking out after curfew. We laughed until we cried, got lost several times and became friends. I’ll never forget that night for two reasons. 

It was the first time that I saw how much Trey loved Cheryl. He knew that we were about to have a memorable moment, and he wanted to share it with her.

The second thing is that when I was new to Austin – lonely, unsure and in desperate need of some friends - Trey jumped on a plane, flew to Kansas City, and became my friend.

For two years Trey and I enjoyed life together.  We played poker, prayed, and worried over our kids together. I was supposed to play golf with Trey on a Monday. He had a heart attack on the Saturday before that, and I said goodbye for the last time in his hospital room on a Friday night one week later.

Dick, Eleanor and Cheryl praying for some of our visiting NY friends

Dick was older than me. He had recently retired when he and Eleanor came to Kansas City with us. I have many fond memories of Dick from that week. The most vivid is, after Tamara had prayed through a particularly shameful wound, she returned to her seat, weeping. I was praying with people on the other side of the room but had noticed that she was in pain, and I felt trapped and unable to help. I glanced around the room to see where she had gone, and saw that that Dick and Eleanor were ministering to Tamara.  They embraced her, extending the sort of tenderness and kindness that is like salve to a sore. In that moment, we knew we had become family.

The other memory is of all of us - Trey and Cheryl and their daughters, Dick and Eleanor, Tamara and me – floating down the Blanco River on inner tubes. We had so much fun, laughing as we twisted and turned through June sunlight. Dick looked so young and full of life.

A couple of months later, Dick told us he had cancer. We were gathered together in the church office after another evening of listening and praying together for wounded and broken people.  Looking back, sometimes it feels ironic, that while we were praying together for people to come back to life - emotionally and spiritually - Dick was actually dying, physically.  

Dick continued to help lead those small groups of wounded men up until a few months before he died.  I’ll never forget the night the people he had been praying for became the ones praying for Dick.  He stood in the center of the room, while men and women placed their hands on his shoulders and his head, now bald from chemo.  We had hoped he would be healed, but instead he died.

It’s not easy for us pastors, especially me, to make close friends. Trey and Dick always encouraged me to be myself. They had no trouble respecting and loving me as a pastor, a brother, and a friend. I’ll always love them for it.

I have often reminded people who have lost loved ones that we are lucky to have had any time with them. I suppose that’s true at some level, but sometimes I wonder. Sometimes it feels like the pain of losing people to death is greater than the joy of friendship, and it’s tempting to guard our hearts from loving again.

Tamara and I are preparing to move once more this summer. It’s a trade - closer to friends and family in one place at the expense of the nearness of family and friends in another.  I wish I didn’t have to choose between one group or the other. I long for an existence when space, time, and death are barriers no more.

I long for resurrection life.

My consolation while I wait is that Jesus understands our loneliness and homesickness and grief. He left his home, became humble unto death, and felt the sting of abandonment in order to prepare a place for us where space, death, and time will no longer be barriers to life. He is preparing a place where I will not only spend forever in closeness to him, but also to all my family and friends.

In a few weeks I will be ordained as a Priest in the Anglican Church. I wish Trey and Dick could see this in person. They prayed regularly for me, encouraged me, and blessed me with words that affirmed my calling and purpose. All of the friends I have made at Christ Church have been instrumental in my ordination process. The parish has prayed for me, discerned with me, and celebrated each step of the journey towards ordination. My new friends in Connecticut at Church of the Apostles have prayed for me, blessed me with kindness, and have honored me by inviting me to serve alongside them as their Rector.

This is also my consolation.

Because of the love we share together in Christ our earthly goodbyes, although painful and hard, also bring with them the reality of a joy that is already here, even though not-yet perfect. We're learning that the sadness of goodbyes is consoled by the happiness of meeting new friends. Friends like Dick and Trey. Friends like those I have made at Christ Church and in Austin. And friends like those I have and will continue to make at Church of the Apostles and in the neighborhoods of Fairfield, Bridgeport, Trumbull and beyond.

Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus.  Reconcile all that separates us; restore all the time that has been lost.  Bind us together in spirit until the new heaven and new earth makes every broken circle whole again.

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Brian moved from New York to Austin in 2011 to join Christ Church of Austin as Executive Pastor. In May he will be ordained as a priest within the Anglican Church of North America, and will become the Rector at Church of the Apostles in Fairfield, CT. In the meantime, Brian enjoys every good thing that Austin has to offer.

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I count it a high privilege to know -- at least in small part -- the mourning stories of the dear ones who will share here for seven days. Their lives walk the path between celebration, yes, but also suffering -- illness, relational disillusionment, anxiety, joblessness, death of loved ones, death of dearly-held dreams. Their stories have helped form me in my understanding of suffering and I believe they could also encourage you too. The philosopher Blaise Pascal said that Christ suffers until the end of the world. As we welcome each other's stories, we welcome the Suffering Servant himself.

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(See all of the Retrieve Lament stories from previous years here)

Lent daybook, 8: the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away

My Lent daybook for these 40 days of prayer. Join me, won't you? (see previous Lent daybook 2016 posts here)

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look

Job Talks to God
Sculpture in Noordwijk, Netherlands
source

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read

Job 1:1-22 

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came among them. The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.

Now there was a day when his sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother's house, and there came a messenger to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys feeding beside them, and the Sabeans fell upon them and took them and struck down the servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “The fire of God fell from heaven and burned up the sheep and the servants and consumed them, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “The Chaldeans formed three groups and made a raid on the camels and took them and struck down the servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “Your sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother's house, and behold, a great wind came across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young people, and they are dead, and I alone have escaped to tell you.”

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.

all readings for the day:   Psalm 17; Job 1:1-22; Luke 21:34

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pray

• God of deliverance and freedom, you taught the people of Israel to acknowledge that all things come from your bountiful hand. Deepen our faith so that we may resist temptation and, in the midst of trial, proclaim that Jesus Christ is Lord, now and for ever. Amen. (source)

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listen

Blessed Be Your Name - Acoustic by Matt Redman

(I invite you to listen with me to my ever-evolving Lent playlist & Lent Spirituals playlist )

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do

Invite a friend over for tea or coffee today.  Talk about questions you have about God.  Don't try to answer each other's questions. Pray for each other.

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(see all Lent daybook posts from 2015 here)

WALKING EPIPHANY in suburban PA: neighborhood notes from Kaley Ehret

Welcome to the second annual WALKING EPIPHANY series of guest posts! I've asked a few friends who live around the world to take a walk through their neighborhoods, and share some of what they see through photos, videos and words. Each one has selected from a variety of thoughtful prompts to consider the ways the Light has moved into their neighborhoods. Will you join us?

Read here for a brief description of the liturgical season of Epiphany. See the 2015 WALKING EPIPHANY posts here. Also, don't miss the opportunity to engage with thought-provoking questions for your own neighborhood, listed at the end of this post.

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The Ehret Family

Telford, PA

Breaking in the patio with neighbor-friends = fun.

A photo posted by Kaley Ehret (@kaleyehret) on Aug 31, 2014 at 7:30pm PDT

First Jam session on the patio.

A photo posted by Kaley Ehret (@kaleyehret) on Jun 19, 2015 at 6:50pm PDT

Prompt: Practice resurrection

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

Wendell Berry"Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front" from The Country of Marriage (1973) 

There's a bit of irony to our post following up Bethany's beautiful post about Community First! Village and the description of her home as "a neighborhood designed in every way to facilitate community with and among its inhabitants, most of whom have endured chronic homelessness for much of their lives." Wes and I moved to the suburbs about 6 years ago after spending the first 7 years of our marriage living in the spacious countryside of upstate NY. 

We've often said that we feel a bit like foreigners to this way of living. In many ways, the suburbs are the opposite of what Bethany described - instead of facilitating community among its inhabitants, the suburbs seem to be designed to protect their homeowners from the inconveniences that community can bring. From automatic garage door openers to the well-built fences to the deserted front porches, it's possible to hide from any type of interactions with a neighbor with very little effort. 

Our first two big projects on our fixer-upper home were intentionally planned to create space for and facilitate community - a finished basement and a backyard patio. In the winter months, we host football parties and enjoy the sounds of generally raucous behavior from our boys playing with their neighbor friends. In the summertime, our patio becomes a hub for parties, cookouts, campfires, and jam sessions while our yard becomes whatever the imaginations of the current group of children playing in it want it to be. 

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Front row seat to the Patio Building Show.

A photo posted by Kaley Ehret (@kaleyehret) on May 24, 2014 at 5:13am PDT

The long awaited first haircut! Yay for friends with quick scissor skills and yummy treats.

A photo posted by Kaley Ehret (@kaleyehret) on Sep 15, 2014 at 11:39am PDT

Why yes I did put the neighbor kid to work pulling weeds. #sorrynotsorry #summer #whoelsewantstocomeover?

A photo posted by Kaley Ehret (@kaleyehret) on Jun 10, 2015 at 11:06am PDT

Prompt: God's household

Life, breath, food, companionship -- every good thing is a gift from the abundant providence of God. The kingdom of God, this great economy, is embodied in the world when God's people respond to God's provision with gratitude, sharing God's gifts generously with others. The word economy reminds us again that creation is God's household; we are tasked with sustaining it and keeping it in the order God intended. It should be a place where all humans and all creatures are loved and honored and where generosity is commonplace.

C. Christopher Smith and John Pattison

Slow Church

Lest I give the suburbs a bad name, they can also be a place of beautiful community if the residents are willing to just step outside. Our neighbors have become some of our dearest friends. When we are together, the laughter and the stories flow. We have been the blessed recipients of our neighbor-friends' generosity on countless occasions in the forms of help offered on house projects, first hair cuts, coffee offerings on a snowy day, dessert drop-offs, last minute babysitting solutions, advice, laughter and the occasional tears. We've sought to provide support for each other after births and deaths and weddings and illness and Hard Days. And yes, we share cups of sugar too.

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Last RACK Attack of the week. Free Hot Cocoa stand. Who could say no to free cocoa from these boys? #RACKWEEK

A photo posted by Kaley Ehret (@kaleyehret) on Dec 12, 2015 at 7:58am PST

Prompt: Salt and light 

The way of being salt and light is a role (a part and position) that Christians are called to in the world.  It is a role that requires us to take up a place in our world, at work, at school, and in the neighborhood.  Christians are called to imagine another world, and to do so by living amid the divisiveness, alienation, suffering, and violence, as well as the good things, the loves and hopes of where we live now.... However, we are called to make a home that is not established on our own authority and perfection, but instead is set on the foundation of repentance, forgiveness, mutual care and correction, and reconciliation. 

David Matzko McCarthy

The Good Life

Wes and I often talk about the "Upside-Down Way of Christ". This idea that "the Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood" embodies the significance that Jesus places on presence and community rather than power and distance. Our desire as a family is to create space for what matters to Jesus and to teach our children to do the same. We find that this often looks like putting less emphasis on accomplishing "stuff", and more emphasis on simply being available to people and in tune to the heartbeat of our community. It's counter-intuitive to many of our society's standards for productivity and accomplishment, but we think it's how Jesus lived, so we want to do the same. We don't always get it right, but when we do slow down and purposefully connect, we never regret it.

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Prompt: Liked so much as this place

Ma hummed softly to herself while the iron smoothed all the wrinkles out of the little dresses. All around them, to the very edge of the world, there was nothing but grasses waving in the wind. Far overhead, a few white puffs of cloud sailed in the thin blue air. Laura was very happy. The wind sang a low, rustling song in the grass. Grasshoppers' rasping quivered up from all the immense prairie. A buzzing came faintly from all the trees in the creek bottoms. But all these sounds made a great, warm, happy silence. Laura had never seen a place she liked so much as this place.

Laura Ingalls Wilder  

Little House on the Prairie

We are so grateful for this place we call home and these people we call our neighbors. There is, indeed, no place like home.

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Weddings are just a fun reason to make my guys wear ties. They sure do clean up nice.

A photo posted by Kaley Ehret (@kaleyehret) on Jan 3, 2016 at 1:58pm PST

Wes and Kaley have found a home in Telford, PA with their three boys Griffin, Lincoln and Cade. When Wes isn't youth pastoring and Kaley isn't blogging, they spend their days dodging Nerf bullets, trying to make people think they are funny, and discussing the mysteries of life together over Trader Joe's coffee.

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What about your neighborhood?

• Do you live in a neighborhood where neighbors naturally get to know each other?  If so, what are some of the things they do to make that happen?
• Are there any cultural practices in place so that your neighbors are able to get to know each other?  (associations, community centers, annual block parties, newsletters)  
• What are some ways your neighborhood is generous to each other?  Put another way, what are some of ways your neighborhood naturally loves and honors others? 
• In what ways have you been or do you hope to be salt and light in your neighborhood?
• In your own neighborhood, when do you have the sense that you’ve “never seen a place you liked as much as this place”?  What does it sound and look like in those moments?  Where are you walking when you feel this way?

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** Each of guest posts in the WALKING EPIPHANY series selected a few prompts from an overflowing folder of quotations I've saved from the Daily Asterisk.  Thank you,  *culture is not optional for all of your good work. **

What I'm Into Lately (January 2016 edition)

We started the month in full twirl with wedding, family and holiday festivities.  We ended the month at a quiet retreat center.  Seems fitting.  And, I think, now I'm finally ready to get started with 2016!  

Here are some other things I've been into lately...

• The "sneak preview" of Alex & Rebekah's wedding photos.
• As many year-in-review photo essays as possible.
• Author Leif Enger's breathtaking IG feed
• This silk-screen poster from Betony Coons.
• The unique and meaningful photos shared by the WALKING EPIPHANY guest posting friends.
• Epiphany daybook 2016 visual art

[photo credits]  

Although, it wasn't January yet, I should mention that we made a Christmas Day family trip to Alamo Drafthouse to see the new Star Wars flick (in 3D).  From what I could tell, it was very good. (The rest of my family are the true fans -- some more rabid than others.)  Also, it was late in the day, and I hadn't had my traditional Christmas Day nap. Please, please don't tell the world that I fell asleep.  This, in no way, reflects on the quality of the movie.

The biggest viewing event this month was our Making A Murderer binge (along with the rest of the country, apparently). I have no words that haven't already been shouted in all-caps across social media.  Had you been near our house during the hours we were watching you might have seen a neon blue streak shooting out of the walls.  (My daughter told our son "I've never heard Mom curse like that before.")  Well, some things are, indeed, curs-ed.  

We tried to settle down after the final episode by scrolling through the @makingamurderermemes IG page.  I was inspired to create my own (which my kids tell me is lacking in some key meme-ish qualities, but it made ME feel better.)

Other than that, I've half-heartedly followed the final season of Downton Abbey.  I really wish we'd been given more scenes of Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes' wedding, don't you? Also, if Mary and Edith can even one time treat each other like loving sisters, I will admit to liking the show. 

I've decided that if a cooking show could reflect a personality, than Brian's would be Chopped and mine would be The Great British Baking Show .  We spent an afternoon watching and drooling over breads and cakes and dreamy British pastures. I can't bake a lick, mind you.  

We spent another evening catching up on some great Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee episodes (especially enjoyed Jerry Seinfeld's conversation with new Daily Show host Trevor Noah). 

I spent a bit of my wedding recuperation time watching old favorites: Babette's Feast, Once, and -- I'll admit it if you promise to tell NO ONE -- The Notebook. (The latter prompted a long conversation with Brian and Natalie about what to do with us when we die -- which, of course, will be in each other's arms.)

I may be the last person on earth to really get YouTube.  I mean I'm finally understanding that if you happen upon a video you really, really like YouTube will kindly give you lots and lots more suggestions of other videos you  might like. This is what happened when I watched James Cordon's Carpool Karaoke with Adele, and then watched every single one of his sweet karaoke sessions. (favorites after Adele: One Direction & Stevie Wonder, which includes the sweetest of moments when Stevie Wonder sings to James' wife over speaker phone).  

Discovering the magical powers of YouTube kept me company during a 24-hour bout with food poisoning and I watched every possible clip of Ellen interviewing adorable kids.  Seriously cute kids.  

This year, I'm part of two different reading groups made up of friends and sisters. You can find the lists here:  Take Our Ultimate Reading Challenge / A Year of Reading the World, & Liturgy of Life reading group. 

Go to my Book Pile page to see my reading lists from 2015 and previous years.

Here's my reading list for 2016 .  I've also finally figured out Goodreads, and am slightly addicted! I think I'll be adding my book blurbs there instead of in a monthly post here.  Not sure yet.  Here's my Goodreads page, though.  Let's be friends!

Audio streaming anything makes the daily mundane of my life better:  albums, playlists, podcasts, sermons, live concerts, your kids saying cute stuff on Facebook. On rare occasions (rarer than I'd like) the sound comes alive in a concert or house show or public reading. 

Here's some of what I heard and enjoyed in the past few months.

• Forever Young, Gifted and Black: Songs of Freedom and Spirit (live), Nina Simone

• Grammy Awards 2016 playlist on Spotify

• Brian's carpool karaoke cover of Imagine Dragons covering Taylor Swift's Blank Space (& a bit of Stand By Me)

• The song Kendra wrote for our 25th Wedding Anniversary gift

• Reasonable Doubt: Update: In light of the Making A Murderer documentary, Radiolab re-aired and updated the 2013 episode when they reported out the story of Penny Beerntsen, the rape victim, and the wrongful judgement against Steve Avery.  The interview with the documentary directors is especially enlightening.

• On Being with Martin Sheen & Spirituality of Imagination - fascinating and delightful (did you know that Martin Sheen has been arrested more than 60 times in vigils and protests or that he made some specific requests of Aaron Sorkin for the religious leanings of President Bartlett?)

ePantry | I learned about a this automatic delivery service for earth-friendly household products from my friend Tsh at Art of Simple.  I got in on a crazy-good introductory offer in January that gave me a whole bunch of free Mrs. Meyers' products (which we can't help but love). Not sure how I'll use the service moving forward, but sure did love getting that delivery to make my house sparkle and smell good in 2016!  

(Spiked) Cranberry Mulled Cider | We used this favorite recipe (via Tiger In A Jar) over and over again through the holidays.  With more adults than minors in the family now, we tried giving a little bourbon kick to the mix this year.  As you might imagine, it was a huge hit.  So much so, that we used the same recipe for the cocktail hour at the wedding.  This recipe will join the few family legacy recipes we've gathered in our 25 years.   

Slow Cooker Chicken Caesar Sliders | We first made this for Kendra's graduation party and it remains our go-to for feeding a crowd -- like our family reunion / NYE party.  I like eating the chicken on a bed of lettuce, but small slider buns (like these) are great for everyone. 

FoodHeads Cafe on W. 34th St. | WIt wasn't our first time to enjoy this place, but it was our first time to hire them as caterers (as well as renting the venue). Now I can't stop raving about our son and daughter-in-law's rehearsal dinner.  Highly recommend!  

Ranch 616  on Nueces & W. 7th | A sweet mid-week ladies' lunch with my co-workers.  Fun ambiance + really yummy food + reasonable prices + a new to-to for work lunches (or anytime, really).  I ordered the Chili Lime Grilled Tiger Shrimp and Parmesan Truffle fries with dipping sauce.  My mouth is watering now just thinking about it! 

• Toured South Congress & Community First! Village with a bunch of sweethearts.
• Road tripped to Houston to hug the newlyweds.
• Hiked deep in the heart of Texas (and ran back most of the way to beat the sun!)

• 30 members of my family + 200 wedding guests
• my sisters (!!!)
• the Christ Church pastors, staff and spouses for an evening of Epiphany feasting
• the newly-formed Christ Church choir (& having a blast!)
• a small band of retreatants, praying and learning together how to befriend those in crisis
• a slow-cooking Saturday dinner party (complete with 2 cutie pies!)

(top posts in January)

Epiphany, week 2: of bridegrooms, good wine & better things to come |  My Epiphany daybook for these 5 weeks of witness. Join me, won't you? (Read here for a brief description of the liturgical season of Epiphany. See previous Epiphany daybook 2015 posts here)

WALKING EPIPHANY in the Rio Grande valley: neighborhood notes from Erica Jarrett | I'd been counting down the days to re-start one of my favorite blog series of the year.  In the WALKING EPIPHANY guest post series I invite friends from near and far to respond to some thoughtful prompts about neighborhood and community with photos and captions of their own neighborhoods. My new friend Erica Jarrett kicked off the series sharing the light of Christ she lives and sees in her neighborhood at the border of Texas and Mexico. And it is a beautiful light indeed.

{pretty, happy, funny, real} in a season of abundant celebrations | Otherwise known as a Series of Fortunate Events.

The gift I finally have permission to share with you | Like every musician I know, Kendra was hesitant for us to share her song publicly. I think we all understand that phone video is not the most conducive quality to translate beautiful music. I think it was worth the risk, and you find this beautiful anyway. 

What were you into in January?

Linking up with Leigh Kramer to share what I’ve been into lately.