This has been one of those weeks. Yes, indeed. Seems to be happening more regularly these days, this feeling of walking around land mines -- never quite sure which step I take will blow up in my face.
We have been depleted, discouraged, daunted by the largeness of life and our inadequacies to meet it head-on. For the majority of my life, I've used just these sorts of days as a reason to hide, self-comfort, detach.
It looks something like this:
It looks something like this:
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| My Secret Self at Rest Olivia Jeffries (you can purchase this print here) |
Of course, there are appropriate times to hibernate, cocoon, get away from it all. This week though, as Providence would have it, we had a calendar full of community planned. And it was good.
Sunday, we collapsed on the couch after church to snooze in and around the noise of March Madness. A treasured friend called and an invitation for beer and basketball popped out of my mouth before I could think different. No matter my sweats and hoodie pulled over my head, the unswept kitchen floor, friends helped themselves into the back door and collapsed on the couch with us. Conversation flitted between bracket predictions, job frustrations, monastery beers and dreams for the future.
Monday, the day Brian was unofficially notified he'll be laid-off starting in June, we had a long-planned dinner to celebrate the first full day of Spring with friends. I was wiped out, didn't feel like cleaning my house or being "on" for company. Yet, they showed up with their two beautiful, brown-eyed boys. We ignored the cold and grilled meat on the back patio. The men smoked cigars and swirled brandy, talking about hopes and dreams; the women chased babies, chatted about latest reading and where babies come from. We hovered the nighttime, pushing away thoughts of early-to-bed because it was good to be together.
Tuesday, another day of bursting into tears in my boss' office. Driving home from work, I plotted my escape from the weekly community of our small group. Was that twinge I just felt a tummyache coming on? I haven't missed a week yet; surely, everyone would understand? I thought those thoughts all the way out the door again, refusing to reapply my smeared eye makeup. And they showed up, one by one, wearing the strain and grime of the day. Carrying tissues for incessant colds, wearing arm braces for chronic flare-ups, scarfing down the dinners they hadn't yet been home to eat. And the day rolled off us in laughter, shared stories, prayer and Table. It was good to be together.
I'm an introvert and I believe God made me that way. Rather than hide under blankets of shame, I'm learning to bring my true, worn-out, hurting and hoping self into the presence of people.
p.s., I should add that today we've been snowed in again and it's been good to be alone and quiet. All things in moderation...
Linking with L.L.
Linking with L.L.
